Business news

Folger's Coffee has expanded its business into broadcasting, and to promote the new radio station the company has distributed thousands of cardboard radios to Columbian peasants. Reception from Marxist rebels has been muted, but once peasants removed their hands from the radio speakers reception was reported to be clear.

The new radio station has been met with skepticism by the Spanish-speaking population, who view it as a propagandist effort to promote the views of Janet Folger, who is not affiliated with the company. Folger's in turn has assuaged their concerns by packing the radios with cocaine and flying them into Barbados in crates.

Recipe for milk and cookies

Take one cup of milk and one cookie.
Place in a baking tray and preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Place milk in oven for 30 minutes.
Take cookie and put on a local bus for at least 3 transfer zones.
Return home and wait for milk to be done in the oven.
Remove milk from oven—careful, it is hot—and splash directly in face.
Wipe off excess milk and skin. Sit down and enjoy.

Mmmm, mmm, good.

-- Spleeno

The Mysterious McMuffin

His name was Mr McMuffin. He ate children. If you're not careful, he'll eat you. Now listen. Mr McMuffin had a limp, which he named Albert. McMuffin and Albert would go on late night walks through the town after the streetlamps had been extinguished. "Where are we going?" McMuffin would ask. Albert would never answer.

One day, a parcel arrived from Mr McMuffin's great aunt Elda. "Albert!" McMuffin called. "Something in the post for you." Albert never replied, and the package went unopened.

When Elda died, McMuffin was dumbstruck to learn she had willed him to someone named Silas Muck. McMuffin begrudgingly packed his bags and hailed a passing dray. He and Albert climbed aboard.

"I'm Silas Muck's," he said to the driver, who looked at him. The driver cracked the whip and the dray clopped off into the night, carrying the mysterious Mr McMuffin away to a new home.

Today's weather

Hot on the heels of the weekend's torrential rain, Sydney sweltered yesterday in one of the hottest March days on record. In a quirky one for the record books, the inner-city recorded its second-highest March temperature, with the mercury peaking at 39.3 degrees, beaten only by 39.8 degrees recorded on the same day in 1983, a Bureau of Meteorology spokesman said. "The unseasonable heat was caused by a telephone call from Kyle Sommi. He expressed a particular interest in the weather, and compared it with the Vancouver cold." Kyle was in the news recently when Australia collectively wondered if he would visit, the first hive behaviour observed in humankind.

New book

"I was born in the Year 1632, in the City of York, of a good Family, tho' not of that Country, my Father being a Foreigner of Bremen, who settled first at Hull: He got a good Estate by Merchandise, and leaving off his Trade, lived afterward at York, from whence he had married my Mother."

What do you think so far? I call it "Robinson Crusoe," and I feel it is destined to become a classic. It's about a man who loses his job and is stranded inside his apartment, and he does nothing but drink Guinness. Or else he gets shipwrecked, I haven't decided.

CD sale

All CDs $14.95

The Pushers, "The Meat Man is at the door, Mummy! The Meat Man!"
The Johnny Otis Redbeans Quartet, "Soup Socks"
The Spent, the Broke and the Beaten, "The Hoboken Beat Century"
Papa Hitler, "Holocost-effective"
Raw Power, "Medium Rare Power"
The Gnitch, "Power Tool Elbows"
Free Trichinosis, "Does This Taste Funny to You?"
The Feeling You're Being Watched, "Alias From Outer Space"
The Owners, "Hello, we're the Owners. Get out."
The Trite, "Campbell's New Flavour"
Rory is a Nice Name, "Edema of the Face"
The Albion Chamber Pot Orchestra plays too fast
The Abandoned Fridge (self-titled)
The Collapse (self-titled)
The Safeway House Band (self-titled)
The Latest Gimmick (self-titled)

Where's the complaints department?

I tried complaining to the fire department, but they didn't want to hear it.