Video Game Turns On Children

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) — Two children were killed in Sydney yesterday when the video game they were playing rose up and revolted against the family, prompting calls for a review here of current game ratings.

Internet connection

My internet isn't connected, but I manage to surf the net by picking up the phone and screaming "one one one zero one zero zero one zero zero one one!" as fast as I can.

CORRECTION

This journal recently reported erroneously the disappearance of a busload of Australian tourists in Gaza.  The article should have stated that it was in fact a busload of Austrians.  And it wasn't a busload; it was a busloaf.

Stigma

Larks are not happy. Whoever coined the phrase "happy as a lark" should get his bloody facts straight. The Monotonous Lark and the Black Lark are mournful, troubled birds with the highest rate of depression among passerines.

The Pyramids of Palestine

ISRAEL—An Australian travel agency has been implicated in the disappearance of a busload of tourists in the Gaza Strip in January. At the height of the Israeli incursion in Gaza, twelve Australian tourists bound for the Egyptian pyramids at Giza found themselves in Gaza City after failing to recognise a typographical error in their travel brochure. The seven men and five women have not been found.

How to Move Through Space

Do you know how to get here? How are you getting here? You'd have to fly southwest a long, long time until you get to Honolulu, and then you have to fly further south. Fuel is very expensive at the moment, so make sure you have enough. I don't know how far it is exactly, but when you get to Sydney, I'm about 15km north of the airport.

Once you get here, you just move a foot forward by swinging your leg, and swinging the OPPOSITE arm at the same time to keep your balance, and then shift your weight and do it with the other leg. Don't forget your arm! And this technique of moving through space will get you around in Sydney just fine. You'll do great!

See you soon, friend!

Australian customs

Oh 'twill be such a gay time! I reflect often on your pending visit, dear friend. Bring live snakes. When Customs stops you, release the snakes. Pandemonium ensues, and you charge the exit. I will smash through the glass doors in a Holden ute in reverse (this is a neat bit of physics) at 18:15 sharp. At that time you should be mid-leap through the air yelling, "Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!" with your passport out. Get it stamped before you land in the ute. I will then make the jump to light speed and plant my foot, firing glass and debris from under my wheels, hot wind blowin' my hair, smokin' hot babes hangin' in the back seat, and Eddie Van Halen hammertapping on the hood, and we'll take the M4 toll road back to my place because it's worth the $2 to avoid all the traffic on the Eastern Distributor.